The Summer of Jon

TSOJ: You’ve Seen One Penis Museum, You’ve Seen Them All

Lost? Sure, but this time I had an address.

Lost? Sure, but this time I had an address.

When I heard that Reykjavik had its very own penis museum I knew I had to visit. How else would anyone want to spend a sunny day in Iceland’s only major city. While other people were out visiting the natural wonders of the Icelandic countryside, I was walking around (lost as usual) trying to find The Icelandic Phallological Museum. I walked right by the front door, I guess I was expecting something to be sticking out into the street, but there wasn’t anything to scream, “Look in here for penises!” When I finally decided to take out a map and look at an address it took me to the building pictured above. I looked inside to see if it was hidden upstairs in some dark corner, but it wasn’t.

How did I walk by this spot? That's just how I roll.

How did I walk by this spot? That’s just how I roll.

It was right next door, I didn’t realize the actual location until I walked across the street and then looked back at the building. There it was, the world’s only penis museum and if you know me, you know I love a good museum. So I went back across the street and entered the museum as discretely as possible. (Nobody cares what you do in Iceland, it’s like Vegas except colder, more expensive and has more Russian gangsters. The guy at the tourist office told me that the penis museum was a must see.) The young lady at the counter took my 1,250 IK ($10) and gave me a little information. “This is an English explanation of all the penises in the museum. The little number correspond to the specimens.” I didn’t think I would need much help because…well, because every man in the world believes they know everything they need to know about penises. I soon found this was a myth (at least in my case, the rest of you can continue thinking you know everything about penises.) I was glad I had the little guide because as soon as I turned the corner I was confronted by this:

The face every man should make when confronted with a 6 foot penis.

The face every man should make when confronted with a 6 foot penis.

Yikes! Sperm Whales must be swimming in cold water to keep these things hidden. (All you Biologists take a deep breath, I know that whales hide their fandangoruskies in a little, or big, pocket or something.) The collection is primarily penises from Icelandic mammals. There are some foreign penises, but they had to get a visa to stay more than six months! (Not really, this is an immigration joke. I assume all the penises came from dead mammals.)

Just for scientific record. The little guy on the far right is the human average.

Just for scientific record. The little guy on the far right is the human average.

There were a few interesting things in the museum, but the founder’s story was pretty entertaining. This museum wasn’t some dream of his, he just started with a bull’s penis whip. I guess there are whips made from bull penises, I have not seen one so I can not be too certain.

The official seal of the Phallus Museum. I don't know what you might need this for, but I guess it provides some sense of decency.

The official seal of the Phallus Museum. I don’t know what you might need this for, but I guess it provides some sense of decency.

Anyway, the guy on the penis phone pictured below started the museum when people he worked with started giving him penises as gifts. How one becomes known as the “penis gift guy” is not something I want to delve too deeply into, but let me just say that after a bit he had quite a collection. Someone then suggested that he open a museum and the rest is history, or as I like to think, “This guy needed an excuse to keep collecting, so a museum sounded like a good idea.”

The founder on his penis phone. I don't know if they sell a mobile version.

The founder on his penis phone. I don’t know if they sell a mobile version.

Penis of all shapes and sizes filled the tiny museum and I will not go into too much detail, because the pictures really do tell most of the story.

Not sure what to say.

Not sure what to say.

Until you come to this document. There were three of these. One from some English guy, one from a German (I was going to include guy again, but since he is giving away a penis I don’t think I need to give his gender a marker) and finally there was an Icelander who gave up his goods for the museum. The English guy seemed to get a pretty big kick out of the whole thing. He had a nude picture of himself (face blacked out pretty ineffectively) sitting on a barstool looking a bit too cheesy for my tastes. I hope they threw out the barstool after the photo-shoot. I would hate to think someone else had to take a photo sitting on that thing.

The legal document for donating a penis.

The legal document for donating a penis.

Across the other side of the museum were the three fella’s business. I did not look too closely and was a little surprised that they were actually there. I thought the museum was still looking for a human donor, but apparently not. Too bad guys, your dreams of donating your willy to a museum are now over. I don’t think they are still in the market, but you can check the webpage. If you really want to have something that lives beyond your brief life start a blog.

The human collection. Formaldehyde also causes shrinkage.

The human collection. Formaldehyde also causes shrinkage.

My favorite part of the museum was just a bunch of stuff that looked like penises. Veggies, fruit, rocks, pieces of wood. They even had a mythology section where there were penises from trolls, gnomes, mermen, and ghosts.

Top right corner: Merman penis; bottom left, stone troll penis.  Just when you thought Iceland couldn't get weirder.

Top right corner: Merman penis; bottom left, stone troll penis. Just when you thought Iceland couldn’t get weirder.

The strangest thing in the whole museum was a little shrine to the Icelandic silver medal handball team. The little silver statues were created to celebrate the great success of the team, but the guys on the team were not consulted in the creation. In other words, the penises were imagined or fictionalized. I don’t know if the handball team wore really tight spandex or if the artist just got inspired and followed his/her muse.

The silver medal Icelandic Handball team (it is a sport not a hobby) got this nice little honorary exhibit.

The silver medal Icelandic Handball team (it is a sport not a hobby) got this nice little honorary exhibit.

The penis museum did not disappoint. It had penises and penis related items. I did not buy a T-Shirt but if you really want one they are available at: www.phallus.is

Categories: The Summer of Jon, Travel

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