Ramblings

CSI Olympic Peninsula: The Secret Life Beneath the Couch

Crime Scene Photography: iPhone 4s
Time: Yesterday
Location: Living Room/Television Room/Unofficial Dining Room
Incident: Owner was forced to move the large sectional couch out of the room. A number of previously undiscovered items were uncovered and need to be cataloged and described.
Evidence:

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Picture 1: The crime scene.

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The bottom of the couch. It appears someone has poked holes with their fingers in the fabric beneath the couch. This is disturbing. Why would anyone do that?

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An out of focus yellow jellybean. This jellybean might be lemon flavored or banana. The photographer decided not to taste the bean. It was sent to the lab for further testing.

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The inside of a green bottle top. The rewards associated with the code have yet to be claimed.

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A hairy piece of popcorn. The hair is from one of the suspects, an old dog who spends most of her time begging for food and pretending to do her business in the yard so she can get a treat. The popcorn’s origin is unknown.

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Half a dry-roasted peanut (possibly honey roasted). This item must be a recent addition to the floor food because Costco began selling this type of peanut within the past two months.

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A remote control for a television that is not owned by the family. Why is there a remote control hidden beneath the couch for a television that is not in the house? Teenagers.

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A salted caramel snack puff. This is a crime; a bag of these snacks lasts only 10 minutes in the household. This treat has been within easy snacking reach for at least two months, which was when these snacks were banned from the house. (NOTE: These snacks are evil.)

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A green rubber ball that was once attached to a paddle by a rubber band. The paddle, and rubber band are missing.

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A purple jelly bean (eggplant or grape flavored) and a piece of licorice (grape or licorice flavored).

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A pebble, I hope it is a pebble.

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An out of focus jelly bean. The jelly bean eaters in this household need to practice putting things in their mouths.

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A fancy toothpick and hairband. The parties responsible for these two items are easy to determine: Only one member of the family has long hair and uses hairbands (it is not the dog), and only one member of the family uses these stupid toothpicks.

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A pink hairband. We already know who left this here.

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ANOTHER HAIRBAND!!! What is going on in this family? Are these things just shooting off of someone’s (aka: teenage daughter’s) head?

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Generic pen, dryer sheet (it appears the family does some form of cleaning, thank God), and a little yellow ball of sugar or corn.

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A tiny ball of purple sugar (eggplant, or grape flavored). The photographer has not seen these items in the house and therefore assumes that someone has a secret stash and is not sharing.

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One United States penny. The value on the open market for an item like this is .000001 cents which is equal to 100 Icelandic Kroner’s.

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A raw almond. This is the healthiest snack found on the carpet, therefore it can be assumed that the members of the family who eat healthy snacks are better at finding their mouths, or that the family rarely eats anything healthy.

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A pink ball of sugar. Again, this is one of the mystery snacks that the photographer had not seen before. He was not curious enough to taste the item.

Findings:

1. This family eats too much snack food, or has difficulty placing food into their mouths.

2. The dog needs a close shave.

3. Jelly beans sitting beneath a couch don’t lose their flavor.

Categories: Ramblings

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13 replies »

  1. In defense of the person in your household wearing hair bands, they do make a break for it every chance they get. I’ll buy a pack of 20 and be down to 3 within a month. After this expose, I know to check under my couch for fugitives.

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