The Irresponsible Adult Trip

Seattle to Oslo in 36 easy steps

Disclaimer: The Irresponsible Adult Tour (TIAT) is not a travel advice blog. Using TAIT as a travel guide will probably get you lost, arrested, strip searched, and jailed. The TAIT is exactly what it states to be: an irresponsible trip taken by two adults who should know better. 

  1. Buy airline tickets.
  2. Get to the Bainbridge Island Ferry without an accident since everyone in an RV has decided that this is the year to visit the mighty Pacific Northwest. Most RV drivers are between the ages of Moses and Methuselah and spend most of their driving time looking at the trees lining the highway and saying, “This sure is a beautiful place, Martha,” as he drives across the double yellow line into oncoming traffic. 
  3. Take the light rail from downtown Seattle to SEATAC.
  4. Regret taking the light rail from downtown Seattle to SEATAC as you discover you have entered the train car with a young man who is pursuing a rapping career by hoping someone on board will offer him a contract for rhyming words with truck. 
  5. Wonder if this train also serves Western State Mental Hospital as the rapper starts doing push-ups in the aisle, asking anyone who isn’t white where they are from, and dancing like he is auditioning for Singing in the Rain 2: The Light Rail Edition. 
  6. Feel bad for the rapper as I begin to believe he might be insane. 
  7. Stop feeling bad once four large security men enter the car and the rap artist begins shouting, “What about my First Amendment Rights?” (Sidebar: I believe your 1st Amendment Rights end when everyone on the train car is so worried about their personal safety their sphincters get so tight that if they were to fart it would make a dog whistle sound.)
  8. Pass through the TSA checkpoint and get extra searched because I have a screw in my wrist that set off the fancy new detector thing.
  9. Eat nachos in an African themed restaurant. 
  10. Board the plane and discover Comfort Class only means that you aren’t in Purposefully Discomfort Class. 
  11. Gloat when the meals are passed out because you registered early as a vegetarian and you got your bean cake with spinach before everyone else got their three choices of better sounding food. 
  12. Regret ordering your bean cake as your intestines begin to make growling noises that eventually become noises like refried beans in a microwave for thirty seconds too long. 
  13. Try to get comfortable and sleep. Give up and watch Deadpool for the third time, then watch The End of Tour for the third time. 
  14. Get “Jimmy Legs” (restless leg syndrome…whatever big pharma) so bad that you try sitting like a yogi. 
  15. Listen to a relaxing sounds app on your phone. The soothing sounds of waves gently caressing a shoreline make you have to pee defeating the entire purpose of the app. 
  16. Wonder what the hell the lady sitting behind you is doing to your chair. Is she practicing the drums? Is she having a seizure? 
  17. Hate the woman sitting behind you. 
  18. Eat more beans…start really regretting being a “vegetarian” for the purpose of getting your food first. 
  19. Begin the descent into Amsterdam. Wonder if Dutch is a made up language. 
  20. Remark to your wife that, “Yes, there are lots of canals and dikes in the Netherlands.” 
  21. Get off the plane at gate D 80 and walk to customs located somewhere near Spain. 
  22. Pass through customs and volunteer to do a survey with a nice young Dutch man. The survey turns from, “Would you use self-serve kiosks?” To what is wrong with people who think Donald Trump is a good candidate. 
  23. Walk to Gate D 85…about twenty feet from where you just got off the plane but after walking 15 miles. 
  24. Get told that your flight is now leaving from gate D 60. 
  25. Notice how good Italians are at cutting in line. I mean this as a compliment. They cut in line without any guilt. They never go to the end of a line. They have my respect. 
  26. Get a tongue lashing from a Dutch KLM lady because I didn’t get my pre-boarding ticket even though my ticket says, “Go to the gate…or ticket counter…” Okay, I didn’t read that part. Get help from a nice young man who says my last name is very Dutch. I say, “Friesland,” and that is where he is from! We are now BFFs. 
  27. Get on the plane, eat a falafel burrito…regret it. 
  28. Arrive in Oslo. 
  29. Can’t get my App to work so I can use the train. I show it to an older man in a ticket booth. He says, “Have you tried restarting your phone?” It works, he looks at me like I’m an idiot, but smiles like all Americans are idiots. I can’t argue. 
  30. Take the fancy train to the central station. Get lost in a mall looking for our hotel. 
  31. Find the hotel. Check in. 
  32. Go for a walk to the Opera House. Take some pictures. 
  33. It starts to rain Noah and the Ark amounts. We hide in a fancy hotel and act like we belong there. 
  34. Eat a traditional Norwegian dinner of Tika Marsala and Thai Chicken from a place called Yum Yum. 
  35. Get back to the hotel.
  36. Sleep for three hours and then can’t get back to sleep…blog. 

Categories: The Irresponsible Adult Trip

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13 replies »

  1. Thanks for making me look kind of insane this morning, laughing hysterically at at time off the day when most are still wiping the sand out of their eyes.

    “Try to get comfortable and sleep. Give up and watch Deadpool for the third time…” that’s me!!!!
    “Get “Jimmy Legs” (restless leg syndrome…whatever big pharma) so bad that you try sitting like a yogi.” that’s me again!!!

    Hilarious post my friend!

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